


But I Can Give You All I Have

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 9-1-1 Season 4, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentioned Ana Flores (9-1-1 TV), Mentioned Christopher Diaz, Misunderstandings, Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:41:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29955600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: Buck's hit with a realization when he sees Eddie, Christopher, and Ana together, and calls Maddie. She's not the only that shows up at his door looking for answers.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 45
Kudos: 532





	But I Can Give You All I Have

**Author's Note:**

> Set after 4x08, so there are spoilers for the episode.

Buck’s always prided himself on being in tune with his emotions. He’s had to be in order to keep them in check, especially around his parents. There might be a lot of parents of himself that he’s kept hidden from the world, but he’s always known about them.

Except for one big thing that has the ability to send him reeling. 

It doesn’t hit him until he’s standing outside Eddie’s house one night. He’s just picked up a new game Christopher has been talking about wanting to play and was wanting to drop it off. Then he sees an unfamiliar car in the driveway. 

It’s not until he’s standing outside, preparing to knock, when he gets a peek inside the house and he suddenly realizes who the car belongs to. Ana Flores. 

It’s not surprising that Eddie would have Ana over. He’d talked about it, wanting to help Christopher come around. 

But something about the sight of the three of them together, laughing as a movie plays on the TV, has Buck’s heart clenching. They look happy. Like a family. And Buck… Buck can’t be here anymore. 

He doesn’t notice the game falling from his loosened grip as he takes a step back, then another, almost falling when his feet hit the stairs. He all but runs into his car and throws himself inside. He should stop, take a breath, think through what he’s feeling. But he doesn’t. He can’t. Because what he’s feeling is threatening to break him apart. 

He sends a text to Maddie, asking her to meet him at his place before he backs out of the driveway and starts down the street. He can see Eddie stepping out onto his porch in the rearview mirror and looking in his direction, but he keeps driving. 

Eddie calls him a few times on his drive home. Guilt eats away at him each time he hits ignore, but it's for the best. He can't trust himself to talk to Eddie right now. Not when he's still feeling so raw and spread open. 

Luckily, Maddie is waiting outside his door when he arrives. He doesn’t say anything as he unlocks the door and lets them both in. 

"You're awfully quiet," Maddie says. "What's going on?"

"I don't know," Buck sighs. "It didn't hit me until tonight, when I was standing on Eddie's porch looking in through the window at Eddie, Christopher, and Ana on the couch."

"What hit you?"

"Just how much I want that," Buck says. 

"Evan, you'll find someone one day to have those things with," Maddie says. 

"No," Buck says. He runs a hand through his hair and looks away. "I don't want it with just anyone. I want it with Eddie and Christopher. And for a while, I've had it. You know? I've been the one there laughing with Christopher on the couch and making dinner and being part of their lives. But standing on the porch tonight, I just felt like an outsider. Like I no longer belong there. Like I was just some placeholder until Eddie found what he really wanted."

Buck can't hold back the tears any longer. They're falling freely now as the familiar feeling of loss, of not being wanted, burrows its way into his chest. 

"I love him so much, Mads," Buck chokes out. "Both of them, and now I'm going to lose them."

"Oh, Evan." Maddie takes his face in her hands and brushes away the tears. "You haven't lost them."

"You don't know that," Buck mutters. 

"No, but I do."

Buck tenses. The air feels like it’s been knocked out of him at the sound of the voice. Not just any voice. A voice he would always know anywhere. Eddie. He must have used his key to get in. 

“Eddie,” Buck whispers. He turns away from the door and hastily wipes at his eyes. Not that it does any good. The traitorous tears are still falling. “What are… uh what are you doing here?”

“I came to see if you were okay,” Eddie says. “You left in a hurry earlier. I was worried.”

“Sorry,” Buck mutters. “I didn’t want to interrupt your evening.”

“Is that why you just left this on the front porch?” 

He tosses the game on the counter next to Buck, and Buck sighs. “I didn’t realize I’d dropped it. I saw it and remembered Christopher wanted to play it, so…”

“You bought it for him,” Eddie finishes.

Buck nods. He still hasn’t been able to look at him, which is for the best. He can remain calm and keep his feelings in check if he doesn’t have to look at his best friend’s face. “I know I should have asked you first, and I probably overstepped.”

“Buck, you don’t have to ask me to buy Christopher a present,” Eddie says. Buck almost jumps when he feels a hand on his arm. “Can you look at me, please?”

Buck clears his throat and shakes his head, “I’d rather not.”

“Why not?”

It’s then Buck notices Maddie quietly slipping out the door. He appreciates her wanting to give them privacy, but he almost wishes she’d stayed. Maybe then he could avoid this. “I just can’t, Eddie.”

Eddie sighs and steps in front of him. Buck still keeps his head bowed and eyes averted. When Eddie uses his fingers to lift Buck’s chin, he closes his eyes. Eddie huffs. “Seriously, Buck?”

"Please don't make me do this," Buck whispers. 

"I'd rather you were looking at me when I say this so you have no reason to doubt me," Eddie says. "But if you want to be stubborn…"

Part of Buck does. But there's another part that's curious what Eddie has to say, even as he's still preparing for the worst. So he takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. 

Eddie smiles softly, and Buck's breath catches in his throat, "There you are."

Buck really could let himself get lost in those eyes, but he makes himself focus. "What did you want to say?"

Eddie blinks, coming back to himself. "You haven't lost me, or Christopher. That will never happen."

"You can't promise that," Buck says. "With our jobs and when you find someone to settle down with."

"That won't happen because I've already found that," Eddie says. "With you."

"But Ana…"

"I'm not with Ana," Eddie cuts in. 

Buck scoffs, "Oh, come on, Eddie. I just saw her at your house."

"Because she's been helping Christopher with his math," Eddie says.

"Do you watch movies with all his math tutors?"

"No, but I watch them with my friends," Eddie says. "Especially when they've been helping me through some stuff."

"And that's what Ana's been doing?"

"It is."

"I thought she was helping Christopher with math."

Eddie's face scrunches in confusion, "Why are you so difficult about this? Do you want me to be seeing Ana?"

"No!" Buck snaps, exasperated. He's not sure why he's being difficult. There's a lot for him to wrap his head around tonight. "I'm just trying to understand."

"I couldn't date Ana when I have feelings for you," Eddie admits. "Which I told her, and she was very understanding about it. And has been helping me figure out what they mean and how to tell you."

Buck's mind is reeling. Nowhere in his life-altering revelation tonight had he considered Eddie returning his feelings. But here he is, saying that he does.

"Christopher…"

"Loves you," Eddie says. "He's the one who helped me get here."

"He is?"

"Yes. I realized the night Christopher ran away," Eddie says. "He didn't just run to anyone. He ran to you. You're his safe space, Buck." Buck feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. He's been thinking of how he doesn't have a safe space anymore. To hear that he could be Christopher's floors him. 

"You're the one he goes to when something is bothering him, and he doesn't think he can come to me," Eddie continues. "And I'm not just talking about the other night. It's happened so many times. You're… God, Buck. You've basically been raising my son with me for over two damn years, and we never realized it."

Buck swallows and fights the urge to look away. "Are you… are you mad about that?"

Eddie shakes his head, "No, I already told you there's no one else I trust with my son more than you. That's still true. It will always be true. I'm glad he has you, Buck. I'm glad we both do."

"You do," Buck whispers. "You do. Always."

Eddie smiles and takes Buck's face in his hands, "I love you."

"I love you too."

It feels too simple, too easy. But when Eddie leans in and presses his lips to Buck’s, kissing him with a tenderness and care that has more tears stinging at Buck's eyes, Buck wonders if this easiness is such a bad thing. Maybe after everything they've been through, all the fighting and the loss, it's what they deserve.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/comments mean the world 💜  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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